The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Can Go Screw Itself
by dark insanity 13
Summary: One thing Keith liked about space was that there were no arachnids out there. He did not account for the fact that just as there are infinite possible realities, the chances of a planet of giant eight-legged creatures existing in the infinite universe were incredibly high.


(Cross-posted on AO3)

(EDIT: Fixed the formatting, sorry. Should've double-checked that before submitting, ugh.)

HOLY HELL I FINALLY FINISHED THIS. According to my revision history I started this at the end of August, that's how long this has been a WIP. I did not expect writing this to be such a struggle when I started but...well. I'm glad this is finally done.

Also, let it be known that the arachnid classification does not just apply to spiders, and in fact includes other creatures such as scorpions, ticks (not the Altean equivalent of a second), and mites, but 9 times out of 10 when someone says "arachnid" they're talking about a spider because spiders are the largest order of species. In the case of this fic, "arachnid" will be mostly used as a general term for spiders and scorpions so I don't have to keep typing "spiders and scorpions".

* * *

Keith did not like arachnids.

Know what, he was a mature person, so he could admit he was fucking terrified of them. To himself. Mostly. If he were honest, one of the perks he had considered when he applied to the Garrison's space flight program was the idea that spiders and scorpions were not in space and therefore he could be in peace for a couple months at a time.

(A relatively minor perk compared to "finding his purpose" and "escaping the pitiful orphan life", but a perk nonetheless.)

He didn't know why he was afraid of them; he didn't have any particularly bad encounters with them, but as far back as he could remember, seeing them had him scrambling to get as far away as possible (or, barring that, disposing of them violently if no one else could). Which was fun when you grew up in Texas - which had an abundance of both spiders and scorpions - then moved to the Garrison base in Arizona - which somehow had _more_. Sadly one was expected to be calm, cool and collected in all situations in the Garrison, plus even he could admit his phobia was a little ridiculous, so he couldn't exactly do as his instincts usually wanted him to. So whenever an arachnid happened to appear in a lecture room that Keith happened to be stuck in for a lesson, he developed a new tactic.

He stared.

Hard.

He would watch it with such intensity that he'd completely tune everything else out. He had to watch it lest it get closer to his personal bubble (which, when it came to most anything with eight legs, said bubble was a minimum of 10 feet). Lessons were sometimes a write-off if he spotted one at the beginning. There were a couple times he'd get told off by instructors about not paying attention, but they'd reluctantly leave him alone since his scores were so good. Considering the location of the Garrison, it happened more often than Keith would ever admit, and he suspected that it (among other things that had to do with the so-called failure of the Kerberos mission) was a contributing factor to the "disciplinary issues" that led to him getting kicked out. As far as he knew, the only other cadet that seemed to get as many scoldings was some cargo pilot (that he now knew to be Lance) that obviously had an attention disorder.

Living out in the desert had not been a picnic either, because as Keith discovered, scorpions rather liked human homes and knew all sorts of ways to get in during the day so they could come out at night. Upside was, since he was out in the middle of the desert, there was no one around to hear him yell and scream (kind of like that tagline for that movie involving something called facehuggers or whatever) each time he found one. Or judge him for the knife marks that littered pretty much every surface a knife could be stabbed into.

You would think that somewhere down the line, exposure would desensitize him, but no, seeing them everywhere every day just seemed to solidify his fear.

Needless to say, when he got dragged out into space way past the universe known to humanity, he considered it a blessing in disguise. There were no arachnids to be seen (and ohhh, he'd checked; in the first week or so, whenever he hadn't been training he'd been searching the entire castle up and down just to make sure there weren't any alien eight-legged demons, or any that managed to somehow hitch a ride in the Blue Lion), and he was going to be spending an indefinite amount of time away from Earth. He could finally sleep peacefully without worry of something skittering across his skin in the night. No webs to walk into, no stingers to narrowly avoid (and not-so-narrowly on a couple unfortunate occasions), no having to clean meticulously just so the evil little things wouldn't have anywhere to hide or make a home in. Somehow, despite being in the middle of a space war that felt like David and Goliath, Keith had found reprieve.

After several months of not having to concern himself with arachnids, he lets his guard down.

One day Allura said they were making a stop at a planet that remained free from the Galra. Keith tended to be naturally suspicious and wary, but he found it odd that this particular planet managed to avoid Galra occupation. Nonetheless, they needed more alliances and supplies, not to mention a break from fighting, so everyone trusted Allura's judgement. As they descended towards the planet, Coran gave the paladins a briefing on its environment and inhabitants.

"Now Voraskor is a rather fascinating planet! The people that live there call themselves the Gyvis, and they tend to be a nocturnal bunch! They also have the ability to walk up vertical and inverted surfaces, so many of their dwellings are elevated," Coran explained excitedly. "Unfortunately the file we had on Voraskor has been corrupted somewhat so I can't show you pictures, but since the Gyvis are the largest and only sentient species there, you'll be able to tell what's what."

Keith listened, but his gaze drifted out to the view screen as the planet's surface came into view. An uneasy feeling stirred in his gut upon seeing what looked like a grey-silver blanket covering most of the forest-looking area.

"Are those...webs?" he asked carefully, hoping he didn't sound as nervous as he felt.

"Hm? Oh, yes! I forgot to mention the Gyvis are as varied as you humans are with your 'races' or whatever you call them, though I suppose it'd be more accurate to say they have many subspecies as the differences are much more than just appearance. The most common of them all are the Trika, who are able to produce a special thread-like substance from their bodies and use it for a variety of things, including building material for their homes."

Oh no, this did not bode well.

"Ah-ha! I fixed the file, Coran!" Pidge cheered triumphantly, holding up her laptop.

"Excellent, perfect timing! Thank you Pidge. Here's a picture of what the average Trika looks like!"

With a couple button presses, Coran called up a picture of something from Keith's nightmares. Eight limbs (six of which were long spindly legs), a sectioned body that had a larger part in the back, a smaller middle, and a front end that vaguely resembled the top half of a human, except that it had what looked like matted hair instead of skin, and the arms were vaguely mantis-like.

 **NOPE.**

"There's also the Orphi, who prefer the more arid parts of the planet and dwell in places like caves and burrows."

A second picture came up, featuring a similar-looking being, though instead of a large back end it had what looked like a tail with an ominous-looking barb at the tip, curled upwards so it hovered over its head, and the "humanoid" arms ended with pincers.

 **NOPE NOT HAPPENING.**

"Huh, they're pretty freaky-looking if you ask me," Lance murmured, frowning at the pictures.

"They...kind of look like spiders and scorpions, but with some humanoid parts? Not sure how I feel about giant arachnids," Hunk mused with a grimace. "You sure they're friendly, Coran?"

"Oh absolutely! They're rather skittish at first, but in the past they've proven to be trustworthy allies."

"Regardless of how they look, it is important that we approach them respectfully," Allura cut in, finally turning to the group after landing the castle. "They are a very perceptive and intelligent people and- Where's Keith?"

Everyone turned to where Keith had been, then looked about the room. Sure enough, the Red Paladin had disappeared.

"Uh, that's weird. Did anyone see him leave?" Hunk asked.

"I think we would've heard the door if he did, but there's not really anywhere to hide in here, so he must've slipped out while we weren't paying attention," Pidge reasoned, going over to her seat to have a look at the screen. "Not sure why he'd leave though."

"Probably went to the bathroom," Lance answered, not looking particularly concerned. "Or maybe he's just eager to get out and stretch his legs or something."

Pidge studied her screen, flicking through various video feeds. "Well, Red's still in her hanger, so either he hasn't made it there yet or he's elsewhere, though I don't see him on any of the cameras."

"Doesn't rule out the bathroom theory."

"It's not like Keith to leave unannounced like that," Shiro said, crossing his arms and frowning. "But if he has left the castle, it's best we all get suited up and figure out where he's gone. Princess, do you think we should go out in our lions, or use a pod?"

Allura looked thoughtful. "Our purpose here is one of peace and alliances, so a pod will likely be best to avoid intimidating them more than we already have by landing the castle here. I will accompany you as a show of good faith."

"Alright, everyone, suit up and meet at the pod deck. Coran, if Keith comes back, let him know where we are and that he can contact us once he's got his suit on."

"Will do!"

They had all convened in the pod bay a few minutes later when Pidge spoke up again. "Do you think we should wait a couple minutes when we get down there to see if we hear from Keith?"

"Hey, it's his fault if he takes off without saying anything," Lance scoffed, twirling his unactivated bayard around a finger as he entered the pod.

"I dunno, Shiro said it before; Keith's not the type to just go off without telling anyone these days…" Hunk said, hands fidgeting.

"Then perhaps a couple of you can stay outside the castle to wait, while the rest and I go talk to the Gyvis," suggested Allura.

Shiro nodded in agreement. "That sounds like a plan. Pidge, Hunk, wait outside the pod to hear from Keith; Lance, you come with Allura and I to meet with the Gyvis."

The pod landed and opened up, allowing the group to step out. The castle had landed in a clearing in the middle of a forest of almost impossibly tall trees, and in the shadows they could see movement.

"Ah, hold up everyone, Keith's communication signal just turned on," Coran piped up.

Not wasting a moment, Shiro flicked his comm on. "Keith?"

No answer. Everyone glanced to each other with worried looks.

"Keith, are you alright?"

"...I'm fine."

Shiro breathed a quiet sigh of relief upon hearing Keith's voice. The others looked somewhat more at ease as well.

"Where are you? You disappeared during the briefing."

"Not far."

"That's not an answer Keith," Shiro warned. "Are you in trouble?"

"No." Keith sounded petulant. "I'm in Red."

"Okay...and where is Red?"

"...Her hanger."

"We don't need the lions for this mission Keith, so you can come meet us outside."

"...No thanks."

"No? What do you mean, 'no'?!" Lance snapped.

"No means no. I don't want to go. You don't really need me to go along for this."

"Keith," Shiro responded, tone stern. "You do not determine what missions you do and do not go on. We are a team, and therefore we act as a team, and you do not go off ju-"

"I DON'T LIKE ARACHNIDS, OKAY!"

Everyone blinked at the outburst.

"You…" Shiro began only to trail off, caught so off-guard he wasn't sure what to say next.

"...don't like arachnids?" Pidge finished.

There was a silence on Keith's end, though they could hear the faintest rustling as if he was fidgeting.

"...No I do not. They fre-...I just don't like them."

Allura appeared more perplexed than the others. "Hunk, you mentioned arachnids before, but I'm not sure what those are."

"They're a type of creature back on Earth; they look a lot like the Gyvis, though they don't have anything humanoid about them and are generally no bigger than my hand," Hunk quickly explained. "A lot of them are venomous and they can be kind of creepy, so a lot of people are wary of them, but sometimes there's people that freak out around them no matter what. We call them arachnophobes."

"Oh? So Keith is an arachnophobe?"

"I-I am not!" Keith interjected. "Like...Like I said, I just don't like them!"

"Oh yeah?" Lance grinned to himself, challenge in his voice. "Then come out here and prove you're not scared!"

" _Fine._ "

Red emerged from the castle a beat later, stopping to land beside them. Keith, however, did not exit.

"So...you gonna come out of there anytime soon?" Lance teased.

"No. You said nothing about having to leave my lion."

"Keith," Shiro sighed, sounding tired. "There is nothing wrong with being afraid, we'll understand, but don't be stubborn about it."

"I'm not being stubborn! I ju-"

"Excuse me?"

Everyone looked to see a Trika had appeared, standing by one of Red's front paws. They appeared to be about half a foot taller than Hunk and Shiro, and were sleeker in build compared to the picture stored in the castle's database (like comparing a black widow to a tarantula) but still looked every bit as creepy as a large spider with humanoid features could be despite their hesitant body language.

Upon seeing the local in such close proximity to his lion, Keith let out a loud "eep!". As if reacting to her pilot's fear, Red leaped about 20 feet in the air then scrambled off to perch on one of the castle's spires, staring down at the Trika cautiously. The remaining occupants of the clearing could only stare in bewilderment, their comms filled with heavy breathing and quiet repetitions of the word "nope".

"...You wanna revise that denial?" Pidge drawled dryly once Keith had calmed down some.

Keith said nothing for a while, though they could all imagine he was grimacing. "Okay, yes, I'm arachnophobic, and I would very much appreciate not having to go outside or near anyone local."

Lance looked more amused by this news than he ought to be, a smirk growing on his face. Hunk glanced over to his friend and immediately knew that he was up to no good.

"Lance, whatever you're thinki-"

"Hey Keith, I think I see a bit of webbing on Red," Lance mentioned casually. Hunk facepalmed.

"WHAT?!"

Once again Red leapt into action, flying around erratically at Keith's command to try and get the nonexistent webs off. Lance burst out laughing at the sight, slapping his knee. "Look at him go!"

"Lance!" Shiro reprimanded, whirling to glare reproachfully at the Blue Paladin. "That was petty and immature! I thought you and Keith were past this sort of behaviour!"

Lance flinched, shrinking at the scolding. The glares from Hunk, Pidge and Allura certainly didn't help either, along with Coran quietly mumbling "rather unbecoming of a paladin".

"Sorry Shiro…" he murmured, turning his gaze away in guilt.

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Keith. But it'll have to wait until we return from this mission and Keith's calmed down." Still cowed, Lance merely nodded and bowed his head, so Shiro turned to the lion that continued to twist and flail in midair. "Keith, there's no webbing on Red, so you can go back to the castle. Do whatever you need to to feel safe and calm."

Red eventually stopped above the castle, though the lion's stillness belied her paladin's panic, if the near-hyperventilating echoing across the comms was any clue.

"You...You probably don't want that because honestly, I want either to be as far away from this planet as physically possible, or to start burning everything to the ground so I never have to encounter them again," Keith eventually wheezed.

Allura grimaced and Hunk winced, both of them evidently glad that the Trika nearby giving them all a quizzical look could not hear what was being said over the comms. It would have been a diplomatic nightmare trying to smooth over how one of the paladins admitted to wanting to commit genocide. Shiro appeared tired - very tired - for a brief moment, muttering something in Japanese that the universal translators didn't seem to pick up.

"Yes, unfortunately both of those things are out of the question - at least for the moment in the case of leaving," he said, speaking in English again. "Go back to the castle Keith, and do whatever _safe_ things you can to help get your mind off this. If that means staying in Red until we leave, that's fine. If you want to try some other things, I'm sure Coran would be happy to help."

"Oh, of course!" Coran piped up. "Got some relaxation techniques I learned from the Hydolians of the planet Kimara! Or in the very least you could assist me in cleaning and systems checks."

"Just don't get stuck in the cryopods…" snickered Pidge. Keith gave a snort at the memory.

"Hey, that was not my fault, the freaking castle was haunted and trying to kill us!" Lance snapped.

"Alright, enough of that," Shiro warned, hoping to stop another fight before it started. "Keith, castle; everyone else, misson time."

Orders issued, Keith and Red returned to the castle while the others turned to speak with the Trika, Allura smiling brightly as she began to work her diplomatic charms.

"So."

Keith knew this conversation had been coming, but that didn't mean he had to like it. Coran had met him in the Red Lion's hangar and - true to his word - had demonstrated various relaxation techniques he had learned in his many travels. They were far too strange for Keith to use himself, but watching Coran managed to distract him long enough to smile and pretend they weren't on a planet full of eight-legged walking death creatures, so once he felt calm enough to leave Red, he helped the former soldier clean various interior rooms until the others returned hours later. He managed to avoid them under the guise of still cleaning, but he knew he couldn't any longer when dinner was called. So reluctantly he made his way to the dining room and sat himself towards the far end of the table; not completely avoiding everyone, but certainly giving them an asocial vibe.

They graciously paid him no mind, chatting about whatever else they could think of; Coran mentioned the cleaning he and Keith got done, Pidge gushed about the sort of tech Voraskor had with Hunk piping in while also talking about the sorts of new ingredients he could use for the days food goo wasn't cutting it, and Allura gave a brief summary of how the alliance talks were going (well from the sounds of it; even if they looked like the spawn of Satan and Hades, it seemed they were as amiable as Allura had previously described, though Keith still found himself wary). Of course, it had to come to an end eventually, especially since Keith kept seeing Shiro, Hunk and Lance taking glances at him in his peripheral.

Go figure it was Lance to address the tiny elephant in the room. Still not wanting to have this discussion, Keith continued eating despite feeling everyone's stares on him, though most notably Lance was the only one completely turned towards him.

"So," Keith replied evenly, not giving an inch.

"Spiders, huh?"

"I think he said arachnids in general," Hunk corrected, only to get waved off by Lance.

"Semantics. Point is, Keith the Mullet Wonder here is afraid of anything that crawls around on eight legs."

Keith could feel his eyebrow tick in irritation. Honestly, what was with Lance and being friends with him one minute then trying to undermine him the next?

"It's mostly just spiders and scorpions, but it's easier to just say arachnids," he snipped, shoving a sporkful of food in his mouth. He chewed a bit angrily before swallowing and continuing. "Don't you have an apology to make?"

He felt marginally better when Lance flushed and looked away, and then the beginnings of a smirk when he noticed everyone else's attention had turned to give Lance varying levels of disapproval, causing the Blue Paladin to squirm under the combined pressure.

"Okay, I'm sorry!" Lance finally blurted after a minute. "I thought it was just some light teasing because that's what I've done with my family, like one of my sisters hates bugs and freaks out if they're anywhere near her so me and Izzy would sometimes trick her into thinking there was a bug on her and watch her start cursing up a storm and dancing around trying to get it off, but she's not actually _afraid_ of bugs they just kind of gross her out so after she would cuff us both on the shoulder then laugh about it later with us with no harm done, so I sort of thought it was the same type of thing with you but I guess it's not so I'm sorry for making things worse for you."

Keith (and most everyone else, or more accurately, everyone else but Hunk) could only blink in bewilderment at Lance's rambling apology, having expected it to just be a petulant "I'm sorry" and an insistence the subject then be dropped. It wasn't that he thought Lance wouldn't be remorseful, Lance was just stubborn about keeping up their so-called rivalry and that apparently meant acting like he was a bratty five-year-old. This was not like that at all. Keith didn't really know what to do with this.

"Uh…" he started intelligently, then all eyes but Lance's turned to him, putting him on the spot. "Don't worry about it…?"

"Don't say that!" exclaimed Lance, finally meeting Keith's eye while dropping a fist on the table heavily so his plate and spork clattered quietly. Everyone jolted slightly, each one in different states of surprise. "My mamá taught me that if people do you wrong, you don't tell them things like "it's okay" or "it's fine" or "don't worry about it" because it just gives them a free pass to keep doing it and that's not cool. Hunk told me that what I did was like if I'd told him that a clown was standing right behind him just for giggles, and clowns make him shut down in panic more than anything else in the universe and that's not funny at all."

"Thanks Lance," Hunk deadpanned, flushing a bit at his own phobia being so casually exposed.

"Sorry bud, I'll make that up to you later. Anyway, anyone who would do that to Hunk is a complete asshole, so if I did something like that to you then that makes me a complete asshole. Because, I mean, we may be rivals and all, but we're still teammates and even if your hair is stupid you don't deserve that kind of treatment."

Remark about his hair aside, Keith could hear the genuine remorse and care in Lance's words, and he didn't know what to make of it. He knew that deep down Lance was a kind person, he just tended to do it in rather backwards ways (especially when it came to Keith). Annoying as it was, he could deal with Lance's typical blustering and egoism; this he wasn't sure how to handle. At a loss, he looked to Shiro for silent help when Lance turned his gaze down again.

Catching Keith's pleading gaze, Shiro looked between the two paladins several times before raising his eyebrows at Keith and jerking his chin at Lance. Keith responded by furrowing his brow and giving a helpless shrug while shaking his head. The flat, disapproving stare Shiro levelled at him in answer only made him exaggerate the movements more. Next to Shiro, he could see Pidge desperately trying not to laugh at their proceedings, something that made him blush just the slightest in embarrassment. It wasn't his fault he was in unfamiliar territory!

Finally deciding to take pity on him, Shiro spoke up. "It sounds like Lance is genuinely sorry to have caused you distress, Keith." On second thought, maybe it wasn't exactly pity. Shiro definitely sounded like he was speaking to an eight-year-old that needed to learn something. Keith glowered, while Shiro smiled back in a way that seemed kind and innocent but the twinkle in his eye screamed teasing and mischief. Both Hunk and Pidge were fighting laughter now, while the Alteans and Lance appeared oblivious. "So what do you say to someone who's sorry?"

How did this manage to get turned on him? Face flushed in shame, Keith tried imagining he was burning a hole into Shiro with his glaring, but alas his friend and leader refused to spontaneously combust. Instead Shiro merely rose his eyebrows expectantly.

Well, ignoring the teasing, he did more-or-less have his answer on what to say now.

"I...Apology accepted," he murmured, turning away from everyone to stare at the back wall of the dining hall. "Just...don't do it again now that you know, alright?"

Keith could feel stares burning into him again, but he once again took to keeping his focus on his food, hoping they'd leave him alone and drop the subject of his stupid phobia.

"Y-Yeah! I'll be totally chill about it, chill like Blue's awesome ice beam! 'Cause that's me, super chill and super cool!"

Of course Lance would somehow turn being a mindful person into a competition of sorts. Still, that was much more familiar territory than genuinely apologetic Lance, so Keith snorted and rolled his eyes, smiling just the slightest. Everyone else picked up conversation again at Lance's declaration, their attention steering away from Keith again. Pidge complained about his ego then subsequently teased him about something that happened with the Gyvis to take him down a peg, earning an indignant squawk. Hunk and Coran laughed good-naturedly about the incident and Lance's embarrassment, while Allura and Shiro not-so-subtly hid their own laughter, Shiro in particular half-heartedly scolding Pidge.

Keith watched the proceedings quietly, slowly relaxing as he realized that no one was considering belittling him for his phobia - at least, not anymore. This was...nice. A change from being told how silly and childish his fear was, getting called a coward by classmates and foster families for high-tailing it at the sight of a little eight-legged creature (or insane whenever he was forced to deal with it and did so in a violent manner). They weren't telling him to get over it, just accepting it as it was. Maybe they'd work on it, help reduce his fear so he could join them on later visits to Voraskor and not feel the immediate need to stab any Gyvis that got close. Maybe they could start by encouraging the staring habit he had in the Garrison instead of violence. Keith felt okay with that; he could trust his team.

"And if the castle's alarm happened to go off the next day from a Galra attack and he found himself zooming through the web-covered forest in Red spewing every curse he knew (and a few nonsense ones) while he resisted the instinct to smite any Gyvis bystanders along with the enemy drones (because unlike arachnids back home, they were innocent and intelligent and they did not deserve mass murder...yet), then he trusted the rest of the team enough not to make fun of him _too_ much. He probably even laughed himself once the panic and adrenaline subsided because some of the words that had been coming out of his mouth made zero sense and his erratic flying ended up confusing the fighters more than his usual flight style did, especially how he kept flying into trees.

Yeah, if his team - his _family_ \- were with him, he'd brave any kind of giant eight-legged creature imaginable.

* * *

This was initially inspired by BlueRoboKitty's fic on AO3 "Proper Care and Feeding of Your Galra Companion" that offhandedly mentions (at least in the original; it's a bit more of a talking point in the recent rewrite) that Keith is arachnophobic, and I pretty much latched onto that headcanon as I am also arachnophobic and loved the idea of a tough guy like Keith sharing my fear. Admittedly as a result, a lot of this is probably projection (though unlike Keith in this, I don't mind scorpions so much as I can actually look at them without getting the heebie-jeebies, which is not the case with spiders), but I honestly think it'd be an interesting yet minor aspect of his character...and potentially be entertaining, because I can 100% admit my fear of spiders is ridiculous and I often end up laughing at myself later whenever I get freaked out by one, especially if I do so in an amusing fashion. Then I got thinking "what if all the paladins had a phobia of some kind", so this is actually part of a series exploring that! Next up will be Lance feeling a little haunted~

(Hopefully I don't take six months to write it *sobs*)


End file.
